A Month of Woes

I know you all have been pining for my return to the world of blogging. And I'm sure none of you will be surprised to learn that I have been most unkindly prevented from my return by that wretched creature that calls herself an Anne Elisabeth and somehow believes that she--she--has primary right to the computer.

Life is hard for Household Dictators. Make no mistake.

But here I am at last to update you on all the terrible woes that have filled my life in this last month, often leaving me to question the very point of existence.

First of all: These things.

Ugh. They got bigger.

Don't let this picture fool you, either. They're not so easily contained as all that. What's worse, my Minion seems have to have sided with them!

That's right! He calls himself "Uncle Monster," and he sneaks into the Kitty Nursery all the time to, like, groom those things, or something. (I think it's more likely he's sneaking in to snitch their kitty food, but he insists his motives are pure.) What's more, he has learned how to open the Nursery Door, so if he gets in there by mistake, he'll open it up and release the foe beasts upon the whole of Rooglewood!

But dey're kinda cute, Minerva!

He's obviously been brainwashed. It's horrible.

So there's that woe. And then there's this other woe that I can scarcely bear to consider even now, and which has necessitated my expression of displeasure via the Knocking Things Off Things Until Something Shatters method. (Sometimes, only drastic measures will suffice.) What is this terrible woe, you ask?

They--

No, I'm not crying. Dictators don't cry.

They took--

It's really all Anne Elisabeth's fault. I told her not to do it.

They took my--

And without even any warning! Though Anne Elisabeth says she's been moping about it for months, so I shouldn't complain. To this I say: Whatever.

You see, they took my Molly away.

My Molly.

"I don't know what's going on . . ."

I've always had my Molly. I'm not saying we always got a long, but I've always had her! From before my great dictatorship began, we battled over boxes and rattle balls.

We endured the torment of several moves, the loss of the Queen, and the addition of far too many new siblings.

Though one or two of them turned out okay.

We've always eaten together.

Even when dining got a little crowded.

And I've always had Molly's assistance in the ongoing endeavor of Backyard Surveillance.

And then, last month, some dude came out of nowhere saying, "Molly! My kitty! I've missed you!"

Wait a minute, Mr. Dude. Whose kitty?

"It's true, Minerva," Anne Elisabeth told me. "We've just been babysitting Molly for the last four years. She actually belongs to my big brother, but he couldn't have her while he was stationed overseas. Now that he's married, he and his wife can take Molly home to live with them."

And that was that. They took my Molly away!

It must be Anne Elisabeth's fault. I don't care if she went and cried in the library after they took her! I don't care if she tells me Molly is happy in her new home and shows me pictures of her sitting on some fancy-schmancy kitty castle! It's her fault, and I won't forgive her for it until I'm jolly well ready to!

I think I'll go smash something.

An Excellent Opportunity

I have been, as they say, "tagged" by a fellow blogger, a Miss Need2Read of need2read blogging (you humans have the oddest names). Deeming this an excellent opportunity to provide the world with deeper insights into the workings of my most inestimable brain, I decided to rise to the challenge. (Anne Elisabeth, who was also tagged, is, of course, being wretched and saying she doesn't have time to do this challenge herself. Do you see what she's like, people?)

In any case, the challenge details are as follows:

1. You must post the rules.
2. You must post 11 fun facts about yourself in the blog post.
3. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post and set up 11 more questions for those you've tagged.
4. Tag 11 new bloggers (be sure to hyperlink their names).
5. Let the tagged people know you've tagged them.
6. Have fun!

My eleven Fun Facts:

1. I am quite probably the only successful Ruling Despot in your circle of acquaintances.

2. I started my rise to power from a ditch, whence I had been flung as an unwanted "pet," and was rescued by a boy on a bicycle.

3. My favorite toy is my blue rat.

4. I am a very excellent singer. I run my scales every morning to keep my voice limber (until Anne Elisabeth throws her slippers at me).

5. I enjoy walking my human on a leash. She can be a little difficult sometimes, but it's good for her.

6. My nicknames include The Evil One, Bitty Kitty, Fluffy Cat, Minnie, Minnie-bitty, and Minerva Louise-y. I prefer to call myself Supreme Dictator, but what can you do with humans?

7. I have a thing against my water bowl. I believe it is plotting against me and I attack it on a regular basis to keep it in line. One day though, it will rise up, and then the world will see what I see . . .

8. My favorite game is Minerva-Pong. This is a highly developed and intricate variation on the human classic, Ping-Pong, and it involves me chasing the little pingy balls back and forth across the ping-pong table, usually to Rohan's advantage.

9. I never thought the love of my life would be a human . . . until I met Rohan. He is my angel-muffin.

10. My family tree is full of jungle cats and jaguars. Ready to pounce on  your head.

11. One day I will rule the world.

The Questions I Must Answer:

1.Who is you favourite character from a movie (and from which movie)?

I find myself full of strange empathy for the Evil Queen in Snow White. I mean, when you are the fairest one of all, is it not frustrating to have mirrors saying otherwise?

Bad, bad mirror. No.

2. What is your favourite holiday and why?
I really like my birthday. That's December 12th (I picked it. I was abandoned in a ditch, which means I get to pick my birthday.) I look forward to the day when I have subjugated the nations, and December 12th is nationally known as Minerva Louise Day. Then everyone can enjoy it as I do!

3. Who is you favourite music artist/group/composer?
I really love opera. I particularly like this piece by Mozart. I think I was the Queen of the Night in another life (the confused-looking girl was probably Molly).

4. If you were an animal, which one would you be (mythical animals included)?
I suppose I wouldn't mind trying to be a human. For a day. Otherwise, probably a bigger jaguar.

5. What is you favourite vacation spot?
I don't think I'd mind a little jaunt to the Underworld. Might be cool.

Or hot, as the case may be.

6. If you could be a character from a book or movie, who would you be?
I'd probably try being Galadriel from Lord of the Rings. All exploded and powerful, you know. I think I would have handled the whole Ruling the World with Evil Power thing differently, though.

7. If you had a theme song which one would it be?
This one!

8. Where do you go to get inspiration (for writing, drawing, etc.) and what music do you listen to (if any)?
Rohan is my true source of deepest inspiration. Rohan and my love for him. Not to mention my own extreme beauty and jaguar-like cunning. I also like opera (see above) and knocking-things-off-of-things. Very inspiring.

9. What book has taught you the best lesson?
I am a cat. Why would I need to learn a lesson? (Seriously?)

10.What is your most vivid childhood memory?
When I was a Bitty Kitty, I would ride along inside Anne Elisabeth's art teaching bag to her classes at the Apex Learning Center. There I would help her teach her classroom full of students how to draw. I was, of course, very talented at this.

I think an orange pencil . . .

The students, of course, loved me, and found my advice helpful.

Yes, an orange pencil was just right!

11. What is you favourite series of movies?
I enjoy the ongoing saga that is The Backyard. There you will see compelling dramas such as "Birdies Flying Overhead," and "Birdies Digging for Worms," and "Squirrels Racing Past the Window," and "Leaves Blowing." Sometimes, there's even an entire episode devoted to "Spiders Building Webs." It's all very exciting, and I find myself riveted more often than not. I recommend the show to anyone!

Well, there you have it. Being a Ruling Despot and not subject to the whims of mere plebeians, I am going to ignore the rest of the rules set forth and end my role in this Tagger's Game here. Any of you who feel like snitching this, however, and continuing the cycle, do feel free! And let me know if you've done so, for I shall have no interest whatsoever in reading your answers (but Anne Elisabeth might).

 

Doctor Mew

When I am getting especially stressed (such as when my very own despotism is overrun with foster kittens. Blah!) there is nothing I like better than curling up and watching some of my favorite shows. You know what I'm talking about, furry readers! After an exhausting day of napping, grooming, plotting, preening, domineering, and knocking-things-off-of-things, we all of us need our down time, right?

Let me now write reviews of some of my favorite shows. First off is:

The Backyard

You can see from the look of confused horror

on Molly's face, that this episode is

particularly good!

This is an awesome show that I and the feline (peons) of Rooglewood enjoy every day. It's one of those unscripted Reality Shows. The best episode comes on at 6 o'clock every evening. That's when the Robin Swarm descends to hunt worms, and we all lose ourselves in the fantasy of bird-hunting! It's pretty epic.

Even without birds, this show can be fairly awesome. For instance, one evening the sky started falling.

OMG! The SKY is FALLING!

Anne Elisabeth, being a know-it-all, said that it wasn't actually the sky that was falling so much as the snow falling from the sky. (That's how she explains things: All patient-like. With italics. Like she knows what she's talking about or something. I ignore her mostly.)

Anyway, that show can be very exciting, and it is my favorite. But there are other good ones too. For instance, if the birds aren't showing up on Backyard, I can always be sure of an interesting time watching my second favorite TV show . . .

Birdies

I can't tear my gaze away!

Seriously, this is an awesome show! You can watch it for yourself here and get caught up in the ongoing saga!

For those of you who don't have the time and need a quick recap: It's about this bird feeder, and there are these birds, and these birds come to this bird feeder, and they, like, eat the bird seeds, and they chirp, and they hop around, and then they fly away! and fly back again. It's amazing. Seriously. You've got to see it for yourself!

The sequel, Squirrels, is good too. Not quite as good, but decent TV, you know? You can't expect every script to be as compelling as Birdies.

Okay, on to another favorite of mine, which is:

Doctor Who

Doctor Mew?

It's a pretty good program. You know, for human TV. Again, you can't expect to find the depth of scripting like you have in Birdies just everywhere, especially not in a TV show based on humans. But there are some pretty good characters:

Hello, Rose Tyler. Could you wriggle around on the

screen a bit more, please?

And there are lots of Things Moving Around, like monsters and space ships and stuff.

When it gets a few inches closer, I will catch it in my paw . . .

I think those are all my very favorites. I do enjoy watching a little tennis with Rohan now and then too. Now THAT'S a fun game to watch! There's this little ball that goes back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth . . .

And all the little humans go running back and forth

and back and forth and back and forth . . .

It's just so cool!

So what are some of your favorite shows?

Tea Party Goddess

I am very good at tea parties.

"Well, naturally," you'll say. "You're very good at everything, Minerva Louise."

Which is true. I am. But I am particularly very good at tea parties. Anne Elisabeth doesn't think so, of course, but Rohan does. I always sit in his lap when they sit down to their evening cup of tea.

And I wash his fingers . . .

. . . and he rubs my ears the way I like . . .

. . . and we--

No. That's NOT my evil face.

Seriously, you people . . .

Anyway, as you can see, I am quite, quite good at tea parties! Rohan thinks I'm just the cutest thing ever.

Rohan: "She's just the cutest thing ever!

So much cuter than Anne Elisabeth!"

No, really. That's what he's saying.

So, as you can see, I know all about tea parties, and I am everyone's favorite. I'm much better at them than Marmaduke (between demanding hugs from everyone present, he always tries to steal a scone), or Molly (who's never sure what's going on), or the Minion (what do minions know about tea parties anyway?), and much, MUCH better than that Thing (who just whines pathetically hoping someone will drop something).

Indeed, I am a veritable tea party goddess.

Until this last tea party.

I had been hard at work for the last hour telling Anne Elisabeth where to put everything.

You need to slide the cream a little more this way . . .

When who do you suppose showed up?

That's right! Little Miss Fatso, ready to burst with babies, taking a seat at MY tea party! Isn't that always the way of it? No matter how careful you with the invitations, that Bad Fairy is always sure to turn up, full of cursings and what-have-you. Being a lady of great class and courtesy, I completely snubbed her, of course.

And that's when things got interesting.

With approximately ten minutes before our guests were due to arrive, Anne Elisabeth decided to take a seat and put her feet up for a moment (lazy beast). That Fat Cat took the opportunity to hop in her lap.

And started having kittens.

"AHHHHHHH!" said Anne Elisabeth.

"AHHHHHHH!" said Rohan, observing.

"MEEEEEEEEEOW!" said Fatso.

And everything exploded.

Rohan ran down the hall, Anne Elisabeth, carrying Mama-cat, followed fast behind, and they disappeared into the guest room, shutting the door in my face.

Marmaduke: "Anyone in there need hugs?"



It was appalling. We kept hearing the most horrendous sounds from inside! And then Anne Elisabeth, still having to at least do some of her hostessing duty, had to hop up and finish getting ready for our tea party guests to arrive.

While she was out of the room, we heard Rohan calling:

"Sweetie? Sweeeeetie?!?!"

"Yes?" I asked.

But Anne Elisabeth assumed he meant her and went running in, refusing to give me admittance. Marmaduke and I listened at the door.

AE: "What is it, Rohan? Is she okay?"

Rohan: "She had something! I don't know what it is! But she had something!!!"

AE: "Um. I would assume it's a kitten."

What nerve that Anne Elisabeth has, being all sarcastic at my darling Rohan-muffin. One of these days I'll break her tea cup, and we'll see how sarcastic she gets then . . .

Anyway, turns out Miss Fatso did have a kitten. Several of them in fact. And my dearest Rohan wasn't expecting all the . . . stuff . . . that comes with kittens.

Eeeew! That's not tea-party appropriate!

Four of them. That's right. Four! First two blacks, then two whites, three boys and one girl. Tiny, little, squeaking, pink-toed, alien-esque babies.

No wonder Rohan was confused.

Great job, Fatso-cat. I'm sure you're proud of your alien brood.

And that was me being sarcastic. In case you didn't get it.



So Much for Being Helpful

Rohan thinks I am very helpful. I always help him with his projects around the house: Paying bills, sorting mail, doing the laundry. I am quick with good advice and always have an encouraging purr for him.

For instance, the other day, he was hard at work on a very interesting project. I hurried to investigate.

"Hmmm. What we seem to have here is a box."

I am an expert on boxes (see this post for details), and I had all sorts of helpfulnesses for him! We worked very hard together on it.

"I so look forward to seeing what you make, darlingest Rohan!

It must be something wonderful for me!"

We worked, and worked, and I must admit, I was getting very excited. It looks just exactly like the perfect kitty-cover-lair, doesn't it? Rohan is so thoughtful, he . . .

Mama-kitty: "What are we doing?"

Would you believe it? Little Miss Prego-Cat came sauntering up when I wasn't looking, all flicky-tailed, purry-cute. Disgusting. What business does she have getting in the way of Rohan's work? He only needs me for assistance!

I vacated the premises at once, of course. And Fatso-girl hopped right in!

Mama-kitty: "Why, thank you! This will do nicely!"

Do nicely? Do nicely for what? Really, what a lot of gall she has, just assuming Rohan made it for her when I'm the favorite, not to mention the supreme dictator!

Minion: "What?"

Even her brother, my Minion, was confused. Not quite as confused as Molly, however. No one is as confused as Molly.

Molly: "I don't know what's going on . . ."

Marmaduke: "Hi in there! Can I come cuddle?"

None of them were quite so distressed as yours truly, however, for none of them had been involved in the making of this beautiful kitty lair which Miss Fatso went and appropriated right out from under our noses!

"Look at her. All smug and self-satisfied."

And do you want to know what's worse?

LOOK WHAT SHE WENT AND DID IN MY BEAUTIFUL BOX!!!!





Lobster and Love

I feel I should fill you in on various randomness around Rooglewood now while I still have the chance. What with Mama-kitty due to pop at any time, I wonder how much blogging opportunity I shall have? So let me take this opportunity to remind you once more of the difficult circumstances under which I live and try to maintain a decent despotism.

First of all, there is that Thing to be considered. Somehow (and I do not pretend to know just how), she seems to have wormed her way into the affections of the various humans in this household. The various humans and . . . well, I shan't tell you of that until the end . . .
Rohan--my own, darling, but strangely bemused with dogginess, Rohan--came home the other day with, of all things, a gift for that Thing. And I'm telling you, dear readers, it was the oddest gift.

See her there, carrying it about with her? Can you tell what it is? Well, I certainly couldn't, not for the first fifteen minutes! The creature was so excited, she kept trotting in circles all around the house, and it wasn't until she settled down that any of us got a good look at the thing. And then we saw . . . a lobster?

"I wuv my wobster!"

That's right. A lobster. An enormous, red, stuffed lobster. And this was the cause of all that trot-about-the-house-in-utter-ecstasy excitement?

I couldn't believe my eyes. So I sent the Minion to investigate.

Minion: "What'cha got there, Milly?"

Thing: "Grrrrrrrr."

My tail and whiskers! I had never heard that Thing use such atrocious language! But there she sat, flopped on a towel, her lobster at her side, grrrrrrrring at my Minion!

He didn't seem to care.

Minion: "Can I have a sniff? Pwease?"

Thing: "Grrrrrrrrr."

My Minion can be very persistent when need arises. He kept after her, sniffing and pawing at her lobster until finally, the Thing had enough.

Minion: "Wait! Wait! Don't get up, I just wanna sniff!"

Thing: "Grrrrrrrr and bye!"

Since then, she has torn the eyes out of her favorite toy. I guess that's doggy for love? Strange, strange creature.

Speaking of love . . . now that Spring has come to Rooglewood, we are having to deal with the effects of it. Twitterpation is rampant. Marmaduke, as always, falls in love with everything that moves (and quite a few things that don't), so that's no change. Molly keeps pining after her owner, Tom, who is military and has not been able to have her for the last four years (thus she lives under my gentle dictatorship), and keeps insisting, "He's going to come for me soon! Soon!"

Whatever, Molly.

And of course, my Rohan is as utterly devoted to me as a human being can possibly be (despite Anne Elisabeth's wretched attempts to distract his attention).

But the oddest romance of all has been emerging. And I have to say, I'm more than a little concerned as it involves my very own Minion!

*kiss*kiss*kiss*

"I LOVE YOU, MILLY!"

That's right, dear furry readers. The Minion has gone and fallen in love with that Thing! And I have to say, as ruling despot of this household, I'm not entirely certain how to respond. I mean, I consider myself as open-minded as the next kitty, but . . . inter-species romances seem fraught with potential turmoil!

Besides, judging from that face, I'm uncertain what the Thing's feelings for my Minion are in return. I mean, is he setting himself up for heartbreak?

And I Do NOT Approve

Did I give Anne Elisabeth permission to drag my own sweet Rohan away to the frigid North Woods of Wisconsin for a week? Did she file the correct paperwork? Did she grovel appropriately or bestow the correct gifts?

No.

Did she go anyway, stealing my own sweet Rohan with her?

Naturally!

A week, my furry friends. An entire week. No, it did not make it better that Charity came to visit every day (though I do love Charity. She says I'm pretty, proving her great insight). No, it did not make it better that Kyle came to stay at Rooglewood in order to care for the dog, providing us with a lap in which to sit at night. Do you think I, Minerva Louise, supreme dictator by divine right of felineness, am going to accept a substitute lap?

Think again.

I thoroughly snubbed both Kyle and Charity all week. And when Anne Elisabeth got home AN ENTIRE WEEK LATER, I gave her a piece of my mind.

"Why did you LEAVE me?"

No, really. It only looks like I'm cuddling and nuzzling. You're not reading the subtext of body language going on here. In reality, I'm totally chewing her out! I'm not the clingy one of this household, remember. That's all Marmaduke.

Seriously. I'm not clinging there. I could hop down whenever I wanted to. This was simply a better vantage from which to give her what she deserved.

Only moments after this was taken, I totally laid into her. Believe me!

Oh, well. I suppose on the whole we have been seeing some improvements around Rooglewood, despite wretched Anne Elisabeth and all her wretchedness. The kitty population has decreased, significantly! See the creatures below?

That's Mo (white) and Muppet (brown), the two feral kittens Anne Elisabeth insisted on taking in this winter. They have both gone to their new homes, thank heaven, leaving Rooglewood a little bit more peaceful than before!

Mo, renamed "Stig," playing with a mousie at his new (not-Rooglewood) home.

And Anne Elisabeth having a last cuddle with Muppet

on the day she went to her new (not-Rooglewood) home.

So thank goodness for that!

Now we just have to deal with little Miss Fatso cat being all here and all pregnant and things.

There she is. In my house. All fat. And pregnant.

Anne Elisabeth says she could double the Rooglewood cat population in one day if she's as full of babies as Anne Elisabeth suspects she is.

Heaven help us all.