Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Of Bribes and Beasties

How can one measure majesty upon a scale?
One cannot. One simply cannot.
Oh, dear, gentle, if somewhat insignificant, readers of mine! I have returned once more to bless you all with the sage wisdom of my being and the great majesty of my me-ness. I don't know how you have managed to survive this long with out me!
But I am here to update you on the epic doings of my life. They have been epic. These doings.
First of all, I have been accepting bribes.
 Everyone knows that a true dictator must indeed enjoy the perks of Supreme Dictatorship. These include bribes of all shapes, sizes, and smells. This particular bribe is exceptionally aromatic!

"What is it?" you well may ask with envious curiosity. I will tell you! It is fresh catnip! FRESH, I say! And O! So delightful!
Being of a benevolent nature, I shared a little with the household peons, my Minion and the mama-kitty-fat-cat.
And now, you are probably wondering as to the purpose behind this bribe.
Anne Elisabeth, being wretched, has instigated some household changes of which I have not given official stamp of approval. These changes include the decision to keep the above-mentioned Mama-kitty-as-was, giving her the permanent name of "Magrat."
Along with opening the doors of Rooglewood to this Mama-kitty of questionable morals and background, Anne Elisabeth has continued to bring orphan kittens into MY dominion. Orphan after orphan after orphan! Is there no end to the plague of them?
Pictured above are the two newest of the wretched beasts: Minko and his sister, Midnight. Magrat-Fat-Cat insists that they are her kittens. She has long since joined the ranks of us Liberated Women (she's been spayed), and her own brood of mewling beasties have been sent on to their permanent homes . . . and yet, nothing in this world will convince her that those kittens are not hers!
Magrat: "SO MANY BABIES!!! I don't even remember
HAVING all of them! Weeeeeee!!!!"
She's a disgrace to Liberated Women everywhere. Sigh.
But, there's no stopping it. The kittens will be fostered, the Magrat will be kept. I've seen so many changes happen in my sweet Rooglewood since I set up my dictatorship here! First the Minion, then that Thing, now this . . .
Speaking of that Thing:
Lost a bit of its menace now, hasn't it? Teehee!
Yikes! Maybe not . . .
Anyway, you see why bribes have become necessary. Otherwise, I really might just have to start advertising for a new Slave Human to serve my every whim and finally see the last of that Anne Elisabeth of mine.
For now, I shall have to content myself with napping in circles.
There's nothing like a good circular nap for the tortured soul.