Wednesday, December 7, 2011

The Thing

If I have to hear Anne Elisabeth call me "Minervous" one more time . . . well, I don't like to contemplate the potential repercussions.

Anne Elisabeth: "Oh, is my wittle kitty-cat Minervous? Does that great big doggy scare you?"

Uh huh. Sure. It was funny. ONCE. Not sixteen million times every day. And those are only on the days when she even remembers that I am around, mind. You want to know why? THIS is why!

She went and got herself one of . . . one of . . . one of those things! One of those huge non-kitties that bark and smell and stomp all around with big feet, and chew on bones, and STEAL MY BLUE RAT like they have a complete right to it, and wag their tails when they're happy (who does that?), and basically shove all their great weight all over the place until a kitty doesn't know WHAT to do!

Do you think I gave my O.K. to this plan? Who is supreme dictator around here anyway?

What makes it worse . . . Anne Elisabeth has the gall to say this is my sweet, darling, adorable, beautiful Rohan's Christmas present!

I know it's a lie. My beautiful Rohan would never actually want a creature so heinous dwelling within the regal confines of Rooglewood! It's all a plot, a ploy, a dastardly plan on Anne Elisabeth's part, trying to steal him away from me, luring him with bigger, furrier things. I can see right through her. I know the workings of her mind!

And by the way, I am not nervous.

Marmaduke was nervous:

The Minion was nervous:

And Molly nearly exploded with nerves and has spent the last few days living on top of bookshelves and china hutches!

I however, with my usual poise, remained perfectly calm in a crisis:

I mean, I'm not going anywhere near that ghastly thing. But I'm not all collapsing on myself with spittings and hissings and snarlings either. One has one's dignity to maintain. And one must keep a cool head when plotting repercussions for this show of rebellion on Anne Elisabeth's part!

The boys, after some close observation, decided that they didn't think she was really all that terrifying. Just big. And a bit slobbery over that bone of hers.

I don't care. She may pose no threat to our lives, but she STEALS MY BLUE RAT. And she takes attention away from me, which is not right. She has even tried to eat my kitty treats! I mean, how could she? It's not like any of us are trying to pillage her wretched dog food or something!

Whatever. The Minion doesn't count. The point is, the beast must be done away with. And Anne Elisabeth as well, for that matter, after this power-play!

I had an opportunity on Monday, the first day Rohan went back to work after they brought the Thing home. Anne Elisabeth, for the first time, had to take the Thing out to do its business in the yard (It's so stupid, it doesn't even know about litterboxes! Can you believe it?). The moment she stepped out the door, I saw my opportunity.

And I slipped up behind her and locked it!

Teehee. It was really funny listening to her trying to come back in! And then watching her as she went around to all the doors, seeing if any of them were open. They weren't. I saw that! For a brief, beautiful moment, I thought my plan had worked, and victory was mine!

But, alas, she had her phone her. And she called my Rohan, and he came and let the Thing back inside. Blast.

But it was funny hearing her talk. "Oh, Rohan, I don't know how that happened! I could have sworn I hadn't locked it behind me, I never do such things, I'm so confused etc." It was several hours before she finally looked over at me.

"Did you do that, Minervous?"


"Heheh, you're right. How silly of me to think so!"

How silly indeed, Anne Elisabeth. How silly indeed.

But in the meanwhile, the Thing is still here. I shall keep you updated on my plans to oust it from Rooglewood.

The Minion: "It doesn't seem too dangerous . . ."

Don't be deceived, my Minion. Don't be taken in.


  1. I salute your lone bravery and your lock ingeniousness, Evil One. How DO you manage to lock doors without opposable thumbs? Very impressive!

    (My Minion also eats dog food. What ARE they thinking?!)

  2. My favorite is the picture of Marmaduke and Monster intently watching 'The Thing' Love it!

  3. Perhaps you should attempt befriending the Thing. My cat, Lilly, did the same thing with the one that lives next door, and now they look for each other. It could be quite pleasant.