That's right, ladies, gentlemen, and furry friends across the nation: I'm talking about the Annual Vet Checkup.
She really played it up this time. It's enough to make a kitty's tail bristle! You see, the night before, she went and fetched my beautiful blue leash and harness. I took one look at those and said, "Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!"
I love my leash and harness. Not all kitties do, but as for me, there's nothing I like more than a good walk around the backyard, especially when darling Rohan is out working on the garden and needs my help and company. Not that it's easy to have a good walk with Anne Elisabeth. She is quite stubborn on the other end of a leash sometimes:
See what I have to live with?
Nevertheless, a good walk is one of my very favorite things. I've been walking on a leash since I was a bitty kitty, before Marmaduke even came to stay. So whenever Anne Elisabeth gets out my leash and harness, I get very excited! I mew and flick my tail quite fetchingly to encourage this good behavior. When Anne Elisabeth took it out that night, I even went so far as to chase after her, gamboling adorably as only I can (I am awfully adorable, you understand). But Anne Elisabeth laughed at me!
"No, no, Minerva Louise," she said in that condescending way of hers. "Not tonight. You need to wait until tomorrow."
Well, fine. If you're going to be that way about it.
I knocked her sharpie under the refrigerator, and that showed her.
Anyway, the next morning, Anne Elisabeth came staggering out of the bedroom much earlier than usual (it's funny to watch when she does that) and got my leash again. "Meeee?" I asked, much less convinced than before.
"Don't fuss, Minerva," said Anne Elisabeth--unfairly, since I hadn't even begun to fuss yet--"It's your own fault. If you would act like a decent cat and go in your cage, I wouldn't have to leash you every time."
Pause right there. What decent cat goes willingly into a cage?
Don't bother to answer. That was rhetorical.
I began to suspect what was really happening by then. And when she grabbed me and slipped me into the leash and harness, I did everything in my power to make it the most unpleasant experience for her. By shear brute force, however, she won the day and carried me out to the car. By then I was certain: It was Vet Visit Day!
It's really not fair at all. The other kitties, when taken to the vet, get to come home right away. But all because I had a severe allergic reaction to a vaccine as a bitty kitty, Anne Elisabeth gets all worried-mother-protective at me and insists I stay all day at the vet for observation! At least, worried-mother-protective is the excuse. Marmaduke says she just enjoys having a day off from wickedness.
I say Marmaduke's a dweeb and bat his nose.
Well, I certainly don't make it easy on anyone concerned, you may believe me. Oh, I'm a perfect lambykins when Anne Elisabeth walks me into the vet office. Everyone exclaims over my great and terrible beauty. "What a soft little kitty girl!" they say, and you can hear the awe in their voices. Then they take me into the back room, and Anne Elisabeth leaves for the day.
Hours later when she shows up to fetch me home, she approaches the desk with trepidation. She can hear caterwauls from the beyond, and she asks the vet techs in a tremulous voice, "Um . . . is that one . . . mine?"
They give her hollow-eyed stares. "Is yours Minerva?" they ask.
And she collapses in embarrassment until I am brought forth. Vaccinated, yes, but not defeated. One day, Veterinarians, you too will bow before the will of Minerva.
This time, like any other, once restored to Anne Elisabeth arms, I became quiet and demure as a fluffy chick, and she carried me back to the car. I'm always a little bit loopy after shots, and I figured there would be time enough to dream up revenge later.
But do you know what Anne Elisabeth went and did? Can you guess?
She brought company along for the ride!!!
Um, excuse me, Anne Elisabeth? Are you really, after everything I've put other people through all day, going to inflict that Thing on me now?
"What the whiskers!"
It was really all too much. That Thing kept whining and wagging its wretched tail, barking its head off at anybody and everybody it saw. No sense of respect or proportion whatsoever, and not even thrilled to pieces to see me after a day's absence! Ghastly creature. I decided to hop in the back and teach it a lesson.
All right, Thing, let me introduce you to my Phaser Eyes!
And I think it fair to warn you, I'm not afraid to use them.
It's amazing how a creature so big can be such a marshmallow inside . . .
Mom! Save me! The scary kitty is gonna phaser me!
Tee hee! I have that beast so thoroughly cowed.
There can be only one reigning despot in Rooglewood.